Why are some imperfections in our lives so easy to share with others, whereas others are buried so deeply that we almost forget they are a part of us?
I have a serious candy addiction.
I love getting my hair blown out. So much that it’s probably also an addiction.
I will hashtag anything. My friends staged a #HashtagIntervention this summer.
I am very particular. I order food like Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally.
I am not naturally inclined towards yoga; my body just does NOT want to do most of those poses.
These are all quirks of my personality that any of my friends can attest to; even those who follow me on Twitter know them. I’ve always thought of myself as an open book because I share funny, self-deprecating anecdotes about my life–sometimes with virtual strangers.
But what about the things I have never shared with anyone?
I never feel “normal”.
Sometimes when I’m adjusted in a yoga pose, it’s the only time someone has touched me all day. It can reduce me to tears.
I think the way I treated my sister when we were younger has contributed to her struggles, and could impact our relationship permanently. I worry we will never get past our past.
I am still haunted by a breach of trust that happened 15 years ago. It devastated me, and it affects my ability to trust everyone.
Every now and then I hibernate–lock the door, turn off my phone, and spend 2 days completely by myself at home. When friends ask about my weekend, I give vague answers so they don’t know that I did nothing, saw no one.
I struggle every single day with what I eat. It’s usually too much or too little based on my perception of my weight or my emotional state that day. It’s consuming, exhausting and often very isolating. It’s disordered.
I have an eating disorder.
As I work towards living with a more open heart, it feels crucial that I finally say these things out loud–to myself and to other people. And to own them by putting my name to them. These pieces that aren’t pretty, but are a part of me.
And it’s time I start dealing with them.
**NOTE: This was originally posted on Jennifer Pastiloff’s blog since I was unable to get the words out on my own. That little push towards openness was all I needed to feel the love and support of so many people. See these comments if you are skeptical! For me, opening up provided a release, and allowed me to let myself be imperfect without feeling like a failure. I encourage you to open up about one of your imperfections and feel the support that pours in. You always have mine.