Confession: I Am Not Perfect

My imperfect “tree in a tree”…imperfect and still pretty awesome.

Why are some imperfections in our lives so easy to share with others, whereas others are buried so deeply that we almost forget they are a part of us?

 

I have a serious candy addiction.

I love getting my hair blown out. So much that it’s probably also an addiction.

I will hashtag anything. My friends staged a #HashtagIntervention this summer.

I am very particular. I order food like Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally.

I am not naturally inclined towards yoga; my body just does NOT want to do most of those poses.

These are all quirks of my personality that any of my friends can attest to; even those who follow me on Twitter know them. I’ve always thought of myself as an open book because I share funny, self-deprecating anecdotes about my life–sometimes with virtual strangers.

But what about the things I have never shared with anyone?

I never feel “normal”.

Sometimes when I’m adjusted in a yoga pose, it’s the only time someone has touched me all day. It can reduce me to tears.

I think the way I treated my sister when we were younger has contributed to her struggles, and could impact our relationship permanently. I worry we will never get past our past.

I am still haunted by a breach of trust that happened 15 years ago. It devastated me, and it affects my ability to trust everyone.

Every now and then I hibernate–lock the door, turn off my phone, and spend 2 days completely by myself at home. When friends ask about my weekend, I give vague answers so they don’t know that I did nothing, saw no one.

I struggle every single day with what I eat. It’s usually too much or too little based on my perception of my weight or my emotional state that day. It’s consuming, exhausting and often very isolating. It’s disordered.

I have an eating disorder.

As I work towards living with a more open heart, it feels crucial that I finally say these things out loud–to myself and to other people. And to own them by putting my name to them. These pieces that aren’t pretty, but are a part of me.

And it’s time I start dealing with them.

**NOTE:  This was originally posted on Jennifer Pastiloff’s blog since I was unable to get the words out on my own.  That little push towards openness was all I needed to feel the love and support of so many people.  See these comments if you are skeptical!  For me, opening up provided a release, and allowed me to let myself be imperfect without feeling like a failure.  I encourage you to open up about one of your imperfections and feel the support that pours in.  You always have mine.

xx,

Katie

16 thoughts on “Confession: I Am Not Perfect

  1. My gorgeous new friend – I am blown away by your immense courage. I am here 200% for you (as I know so may others are as you attract so many wonderful people to your good soul). Trust and sisters – I can definitely empathize there and chat if you ever need – anytime. Love you Lxxx

  2. Katie… you rock, dude! Just had to leave you a note to tell you that! I love to read… And I love to hear people’s stories who are brave enough to put themselves out there and be vulnerable. So, when you posted that you had a blog post I clicked on it, and read it like I read my countless twitter articles and blog posts of people I follow. I don’t remember how we connected in cyberspace… probably friends of friends on facebook and became fb friends because of school days. I never got to really hang with you, although we had mutual friends. You always had this presence about you that I loved to watch. I love that “I never feel normal” statement. Yeah, me either. Does anyone? Sometimes I think there’s something seriously wrong with me–for real.

    So, when does your first book come out? 😉 I’d totally read it. I love the way you write. I thought you’d be famous by now–I always thought you were so incredibly talented. Haha you wrote about a blowout on twitter once and I was like…what the hell is that? I seriously had to look it up!

    Your candidness, I’m sure, helps others make some sense of things. I know it did for me. Keep ’em coming. I have an excellent book recommendation (it’s an autobiography) — if you have room for another book in your to-read pile, let me know and I’ll pass along the title. Hang in there, my fellow hometown friend. 🙂 You’re on my prayer list. Keep the awesome words coming. You have another reader.

    -lauren 🙂

    • Lauren, I’m completely blown away by your response!!! I can’t thank you enough for reaching out. It was definitely a challenge for me to open up, but I’m so glad that I did. It has been only love and support from those who have responded.
      I looked at you back in high school as someone who just had it all together. That you figured out earlier than the rest of us that you could just be ‘you’ without worrying what others thought. And you always had a smile on your face–you looked like you had a lot more fun than I did! It’s crazy to hear that you didn’t feel normal either.
      I’d love the book recommendation! I have about 50 hours of flying the rest of this month (including going on a retreat to Bali!) so I’ll have lots of downtime to read! Will do my best to keep finding this to write about so you’re not bored here 🙂
      Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart. xx

  3. Pingback: Confession: I’m Not There Yet | Confessions of an Imperfect Life

  4. Well done brave lady. Some of those things are hard to admit even within ourselves, you have amazing strength for putting it out there xx

  5. Amazing Katie. Not sure how it is that I am just seeing all of this now… thinking of you lots and enjoying watching you blossom 🙂 Yoga rocks, hm?

    • Thanks Danika. I just starting writing this a few weeks ago, and wasn’t brave enough to share it with everyone…I’m working up to it! First step was the hardest….
      Will be thinking about you while practicing next week. Hope you can treat yourself to a yoga trip soon too! Happy Thanksgiving. xx

  6. Katie, I read all of your posts and immediately thought two things 1)just like in high school and when I ran into you the few times in NYC i still continue to be impressed by you and 2) man how is it possible you are describing me so well! I mean holing up in your apt fpr a full weekend with no communication, i do that all the time and much like you dont admit it to people. You are such a great person and I feel so honored to have the chance to learn more about you. Have fun in Bali!

    • Wow Jess, I had no idea….it’s crazy the stories we carry around in our heads about what other people think about us! I would never have guessed. Thank you so much for reaching out and for your support. It was a little scary sharing this with people I know…but luckily I know awesome people so it’s been an incredibly wonderful experience. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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