Confession: I’m Not There Yet

So I put up my first real post on my first real blog earlier this week, opening up about some of the issues that I struggle with.  I hit “publish”, held my breath, and waited…and I didn’t have to wait long.

The responses came quickly and were overwhelmingly full of love and support.  From high school friends, to LA friends, to my special Ojai friends–each one was  filled with messages of empathy (“I can relate”), compassion (“Hang in there”), and encouragement (“So proud of your bravery”).  It was exactly the reassurance I needed after sharing such personal thoughts.  One of my favorite coworkers even posted a lovely message on my FB timeline that caused me to bask in the warmth that this experience has brought me.

Until I realized that it was on FB.  Where all of my friends, and clients, and family are.  Where I haven’t shared this blog.  Or any of the information contained within.  Once this panic started, the questions started popping up at me, one after the other, like those pop-up videos they used to play on VH1:

-What if my coworkers see this comment and ask me about my blog?

-What if my family does, and question what she referred to?

-What if everyone starts talking about it?

-What if they all find out what I have shared?

-What are they going to think of me if they know my issues?

-What if they think I’m not good enough to do my job?

-What if they think I’m not good enough to be friends with?

What if they think I’m not good enough???

Putting up this blog, and sharing it through Twitter, felt like a huge leap of faith for me.  Just acknowledging these imperfections took me so far outside my comfort zone.  But I’m now understanding that the true test is sharing this, sharing me, with the people closest to me.  It’s allowing them to read what I have written.  It’s telling them in person all that I have shared with strangers.

I’m not sure that I’m there yet.  I do want to be.  I realize that I’m shortchanging my relationships with friends and family by not trusting them with who I really am.  I’m not allowing them to offer me the support that I would so readily offer them.  I need to give them the chance to be there for me.  I have to learn how to receive love.

I want to get there.  I WILL GET THERE. 

In the words of one of my fave Kelly Clarkson songs (yup, I love Kelly Clarkson) “Everybody’s got a dark side.  Do you love me?  Can you love mine?”

Here’s hoping…

xx,

Katie

2 thoughts on “Confession: I’m Not There Yet

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