Confession: I’m Ready to be Moved

On a flight to NY this past weekend, I did something I don’t do very often these days: I cried.  On the plane, in front of my seatmates, a handful of big, fat tears spilled out of my eyes and cascaded down my cheeks.  Slightly embarrassed, I pulled out my eye drops and quickly squeezed in a few, until they became indistinguishable from my real tears.  I could blame the eye drops then.  It wasn’t me.  I shook my head, thinking, “this is why you don’t watch dramatic movies, especially in public”.

When I was 14, I was VERY in touch with my emotions.  And my friends’ emotions.  And the emotions of everyone I came in contact with (or didn’t for that matter, I could feel them too).  I loved going to overly dramatic, heartbreaking movies, where I would cry my eyes out for two hours with no shame or apologies.  Sometimes gulping back sobs silently, but often gasping for air as I tried to catch my breath.  I’m not exaggerating.  You can ask my friend Brooke, who bravely went with me to see the movie Somersby, knowing that I would likely be bawling immediately following the opening credits. (She’s a REALLY good friend)

But at some point, something changed.  I stopped going to movies that might cause me to burst into tears, and opted for silly romantic comedies instead.  I phased out great literature in favor of cheesy young adults novels about boarding schools and blind dates.  I retired the Sarah McLachlan, and put top 40 or rap on in my car.  I stopped talking about how I felt, and eventually…I stopped feeling so much.  It didn’t happen immediately, but gradually I was able to dim the switch on my emotions.

I stopped allowing myself to be moved.

I don’t really know what precipitated this change.  Maybe someone’s reaction to me crying made me feel ashamed for being so emotional.  Maybe going through a loss at 17 caused my heart to harden in protection.  Maybe I was just so overwhelmed with feeling that I had to shut it off.  Take a breather from emotion.  For 15 years.

How incredibly sad is that?  Experiencing life through a filter of stoicism.  Going through the motions without allowing myself to feel everything fully.  Choosing distance because it felt easier.

And guess what?  It’s not working anymore.  Maybe it never really did.  I thought by guarding my heart, I could avoid being hurt.  I couldn’t.  I thought people would be more comfortable with this version of me.  Some are.  Most aren’t.  I’ve gone through breakups, and heartbreaks, beginnings and endings, joy and sorrow…never fully taking it ALL in.

Tomorrow I set off for what is often described as one of the most magical places on Earth: Bali.  I am spending a week amongst the rice paddies and the glorious sunsets that make Bali so uniquely beautiful and special.  And I realize—I want to be able to feel EVERYTHING.  I want to wake up before the sunrise and be blown away by the explosion of colors.  I want to taste every morsel of food without worrying about my weight.  I want to laugh and cry and swim and sing and sweat.

I WANT IT ALL. 

This trip feels serendipitous for me right now, as I am figuring out how to be “me” to the fullest.  I get to allow emotion to re-enter my life while surrounded by the wonder and beauty of Bali.  HOW LUCKY AM I?!?

My home for the next week: Soulshine Bali!
http://www.soulshinebali.com/

I may even bring some tearjerkers along for the flight.

xx,

Katie

13 thoughts on “Confession: I’m Ready to be Moved

  1. Go you! I remember two years into the deepest practice I had had so far with a teacher I trusted I had a similar experience. Tears, random flowing tears… sometimes with meaning, sometimes not, but release none the less. I fought them forever and now not as much. That’s a gift of the practice and of finding a teacher that can hold space for you so you learn to hold space for yourself. You, my dear are officially a yogi! Welcome to the weepy, wonderful club!

    Have an amazing adventure! Cannot wait to read about it from my chilly CT home. Give Ganesha an offering for me! xo

    • Thanks Nancy!!! It’s starting to feel real, this yoga thing. I had no idea what was in store for me when I took my first class with Jen…and now I can never go back to before!!
      Will be tweeting and instagramming from Bali for sure!
      PS-I don’t know who Ganesha is…does he go along with that Rumi guy?

  2. I cried the last time I flew, too. Except for me, it was out of sheer fear. (I hate flying) I get on a plane to head back to NJ to visit the fam for Thanksgiving…I’m TERRIFIED. Have a wonderful trip!! Can’t wait to see pictures! 🙂

    • Is it weird that I’m a little excited for the flight? I have so much food and entertainment prepared, I’m kind of looking forward to it 🙂
      If you need a pep talk before a flight, you can always get one from me. Well, via email anyway–I’ll be in BALI!! Safe travels and Happy Thanksgiving!!

  3. I’m the girl who might be too in touch with her emotions, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. The release I feel is unparalleled, and to me, there’s nothing better than getting into a pose that’s moves your body in such a way that touches your soul and makes you cry (which may or may not happen to me in every single class). I was embarrassed about crying in class after an extremely frustrating set of poses and my (favorite) instructor/mentor told me to never apologize for any type of emoting in her class — she said it showed that things were moving, that I was moved. Didn’t seem like it at the time but it makes perfect sense now :).

    HAVE FUN IN BALI. Can’t wait for photos and stories!!! xox

    PS the banner photo is amazing. Well done, wild thing 🙂

  4. yay for you. feeling is never easy and opening yourself up to it on purpose is terrifying, brave, and beautiful. hope you have a wonderful, open, and inspiring experience. can’t wait to hear about it.

    • Thank you so much Merranie! I feel like you have always been so good at this “open” thing…I’m always inspired by you and will try to follow your example. Hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving. xx

  5. Bring on the emotion, Katie! Take it all in and bring back the days of Sommersby. I hadn’t even read that part yet and was already thinking about how you didn’t only cry, you let out a giant sob in a virtually silent theater. So let Bali bring out not only the tears but also the joy that I remember you having in our younger years. You are loved, you are a good person and screw the people who have hurt you in the past. Can’t wait to hear about your trip!

    • Thanks Brooke! I meant to give you the heads up about your appearance in the blog but forgot before it went live. You were definitely there for many of my emotional moments. Thank you for always being such a great friend–even when it meant sitting next to the crazy crying girl at the movies! Miss you! xx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s