Today’s theme in yoga was TRUTH.
For the past three weeks, while I was was away and then my teacher was away, I’ve taken a variety of different yoga classes in New Jersey and Santa Monica. All of them a total departure from what I have grown accustomed to. No themes, no poems, sometimes even no music. They were focused on breath and movement, alignment and angles. I had almost forgotten what class feels like when there is an emotional connection. When it reaches deep, deeper than you even want it to much of the time. When it scares you, leaves you raw and exposed. And that’s where I was today, at 8:00 on a Saturday morning.
I recently had a conversation with an important person in my life about honesty and truth. And how I knew she had been dishonest with me at so many places throughout our relationship, usually about things of no consequence, mostly just embellishments. Which made it even more baffling to me, these mini-lies that meant nothing to me except the gradual chipping away of trust. I wanted to understand, does she know when she’s telling me an untruth that it’s untrue? Is it intentional (or does that even matter)? If someone tells you that the sky is green, and you KNOW the sky is blue, where do you go from there?
Do you argue, stating all of the reasons why you are absolutely sure that the sky is blue, pleading with her to see what’s real, what’s true, what you see? Because if you see it, it must be true. Do you ask questions about why the sky seems green to her, why this not-color-blind person seems to now be blind to something as clear as the color of the sky? Do you take it personally that she would insist to you that the sky is green, assuming the intention is to misguide you, to trick you. Or do you simply accept that for her…the sky is green?
I naturally lean towards the argumentative, the “listen to me, this is what is right!!”. I internalize these lies as an affront to me, when really they have nothing to do with me. I’m working on trying the questions now instead, seeking to understand. I’m striving to be the person who just accepts, without questioning, without understanding, just accepts.
Because who am I to demand absolute truth when so often I’m not willing to live it, or to face it? I think about the little untruths I’ve told myself, and others, just today:
“I’m detoxing from wine for a few weeks”. Truth: I’m detoxing from the calories in wine.
“I’m fine”. Truth: I was grouchy, and tired.
“I can’t see myself in any of the characters in Girls”. Truth: I may not see myself in their behaviors, but I am those girls, in their insecurities, in their desires for love and acceptance.
I don’t know if these misrepresentations, these white lies, really affect anything. Of course that begs the question, then why tell them? I don’t need to share everything but it would be great if what I do choose to share is really, honestly, sometimes gut-wrenchingly true.
So here is what is really true for me today:
I would rather be skinny than healthy. It would be great to be both, but right now skinny is higher on the priority list.
Trying to become a better person sometimes makes me feel like who I am now is a horrible person.
I am scared to figure out what I am supposed to be doing with this life.. Because what if I fail?
I’ve had a headache for two months. I’m starting to worry that something is actually really wrong.
I hate yoga.
Not always, not usually even, but today I did. I hated that it was so early. I hated that it was so physically demanding, and that I struggled to keep up. I hated that my stupid hamstrings refused to loosen, and that my body would not unclench. Mostly though, I hated that someone was asking me to focus on the truth, asking me to reach inside and draw things out that I didn’t want to let out.
Although of course I did. Don’t we all really want to share our truths, despite our fears? Don’t I, with this blog about “confessions”, really want other people to read my truths, and tell me that they still love me, that they love me even more?
So those were my truths today. I hated yoga. But I’ll go back tomorrow, because luckily we get to shift our thoughts, our bodies, and continually form new truths. Tomorrow, I may not be hungry. Tomorrow, I could quite possibly love yoga again. And tomorrow the sky could be green. I’ll accept that as truth.